Anna’s Emergency Response Plans (Inspired by today’s episode of Oprah)

In case of car accident: Yell, “Why the hell did you do that?!” at the other driver so that witnesses think it was their fault.

In case of house fire: Grab anything of monetary value and flee.

In case of flood: Get in Dad’s boat and become Queen of the Flood!

In case of mugging: Scream and jump around like a crazy person till mugger decides, “I don’t wanna deal with that crazy bitch” and leaves.

In case of home invasion: Hide under bed.

In case of armed robbery: Shut the fuck up and do what they say.

In case of illness: Engage in bidding war between A Current Affair and Today Tonight for rights to my inspiring story of strength, and how the public health system has failed me while catering to young, unemployed mothers on welfare whose kids are fat.

For My Fellow 90's Children

It was a good decade my friends, a damn good decade.




How many did you get?

Did you know?

Did you know that if you float on your back in a pool, at night, and angle yourself so you can't see the lights it kind of looks like you're floating in space?

If space was wet with palm trees blocking you view.

A Day in the Life of the (Essentially) Unemployed

A Day in the Life of the (Essentially) Unemployed

1 am: Finish watching David Letterman and get ready for bed. Wonder how Dave manages to get quite impressive political guests, and why I bother waiting to watch the musical guest when they always suck. Make promise to self to do something productive when I get up.

8 am: Wake up to the sound of mother getting ready for work. Wonder how she’s managing to make the sound of eating cereal so loud. Realise there’s no work today. Curse choice of career. Consider becoming carpenter. Go back to sleep.

8:10 am: Woken by mother informing me she’s leaving for work. Wonder why she felt I need to be told this. Surely I would have figured it out myself?

9:45 am: Get up. Change shirt but decide that pyjama pants are fine. Try and remember last time pyjama pants weren’t the days clothing choice. Fail. Stare in mirror.

10 am: Check email. Curse people who haven’t replied. Wiki movie that’s been advertised. Read entry on main actor.

11 am: Wonder how actors page lead to reading about the early years of Charles Manson.

11:20 am: Discover the first season of Around the Twist was made in 1989. Wonder if this means I first saw the show when only 3 years old, or if I only saw reruns. Wonder how the early years of Charles Manson lead to Around the Twist.

11:30: Read web comics.

11:40 am: Check which episode of Star Trek Voyager is coming on Sci Fi soon. Decide said episode is not worth leaving bedroom for.

11:45 am: Check emails. Curse people who have not replied.

12 noon: Leave bedroom and put on Ellen. Consider getting lunch.

12:05 pm: Have left over’s for lunch. Wish editors would cut out the audience hollering at beginning of Ellen. It’s getting worse than Oprah.

12:40 pm: Get freaked out by annoying teen twin boys who apparently have their own show in the US. Come up with the idea for them to hook up with the Olson twins. Wonder if Olson twins are too old for the boys. Switch over to Dr Phil until freaky twins go away.

1 pm: Channel surf on Foxtel. Become enthralled and horrified at the Duggar family, who have 14 children and no intention to stop. Holy crap the mother is pregnant.

3 pm: Do some laundry. Only have two pair of pants from the last two weeks. Throw in pyjama pants. Morn loss of pyjama pants. Put on new pyjama pants.

3:30 pm: Play The Sims 2.

5 pm: Begin blog. Amazed that ‘Oprah’ is recognised by spell check.

6 pm: Wonder when dinner will be ready.

6:30 pm: Eat dinner and watch Neighbours. Remember when I actually cared what happened on Neighbours. Plan nights TV schedule.

11:55 pm: Decide to watch tonight’s David Letterman. Make promise to self to do something productive tomorrow.